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"I should probably have thought more of this side of things
except that during this time I was so worried by the difficulty
of living in my home under the perpetual friction of comparison
with other people. My life was a sham; I was an actor never off
the boards. I had to play at being a something I was not front
morning till night, and I had no cessation of the long fatigue I
had had at school; in addition I had sex to deal with actively
and consciously.
"Looking back on these twenty-four years of my life I only look
back on a round of misery. The nervous strain was enormous and so
was the moral strain. Instead of a child I felt myself, whenever
I desired to please anyone else, a performing monkey. My
pleasures were stolen or I was snubbed for taking them. I was not
taught and was called a fool. My hand was against everybody's.
How it was that with my high spirits and vivid imagination I did
not grow up a moral imbecile full of perverted instincts I do not
know. I describe myself as a docile child, but I was full of
temptations to be otherwise.


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