Deeper reading in the Classics
showed me how common was the taste of sex for the same sex. At 27
I began to have a settled philosophy. Then as now, I made endless
resolutions to avoid masturbation, though I can see nothing wrong
in the mutual act of two persons drawn together by love. I am and
always have been an extremely religious man, and if I am not
altogether an orthodox Catholic, do my duties and have a high
sense of the supernatural. I suffered much from melancholy from
my earliest years. At 18, though nothing definitely was wrong, a
vague but profound _malaise_ induced me to open the veins of my
arm. I fainted, however, and was promptly succored. At the age of
35, after a return from abroad, I took an enormous dose of
poison. This time again a singular coincidence saved me, and I
once more came back to life. After this I purposely went abroad
to obtain death and sought it in every possible way. Quite in
vain, as you see. One thing I have never had a fear of, but have
always longed for--Death. I am sure that if we only knew what
joys lay on the other side of death, the whole world would rush
madly to suicide.
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