From that moment began a struggle which lasted for years. I made
a final breach with my former intimate, and thereupon a long
dispute took place between the conflicting influences that strove
for possession of my body. For a time I broke off the habit of
masturbation, but I could not so easily rid myself of the mental
indulgence, which was now almost an essential sedative for
inducing sleep. At this time a visit to the seaside, where, for
the first time, I was able to see men bathing in complete nudity,
frankly, in the full light of day, plunged me again for a time
headforemost into imaginative amours, and my scruples and
resolutions were flung to the winds. But, on the whole, I had now
entered a stage which, for want of a better term, I must describe
as the emotionally moral. To whatever depth of indulgence I
descended I carried a sense of obliquity with me; I believed that
I was a rebel from a law, natural and divine, of which yet no
instinct had been implanted in me. I still held unquestioned the
truth of the religion I had been brought up in, and my whole
life, every thought of my brain, every impulse of my body, were
in direct antagonism to the will of God.
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