"It was inevitable that from that day our intimacy should dwindle
into dissolution (though other causes anticipated this natural
decay), but I no longer found masturbation a dry and wearisome
formula. In my novitiate I was disheartened to find how long it
took me to dissociate myself from the contemplative and attach
myself to the active form of self-gratification. But I presently
found myself committed to the repetition of the act three times a
day. On almost the last occasion I met my intimate he showed an
exceptional ardor. At that meeting he proposed to attempt an act
I had not previously considered possible, far less had I heard
that it was considered the worst criminal connection that could
take place. I had a slight fear of pain, but was willing to
gratify him, and for the first time found in my submission a
union of the two amative instincts which had before disputed sway
in me: the instinct for tenderness and the instinct for cruelty.
_Pedicatio_ failed to take place, but I received an embrace which
for the first time gave me full satisfaction.
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