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Ellis, Havelock, 1859-1939

"Sexual Inversion"

They all lived under
the farmer's roof in the old-fashioned way, and in the evening I
used to sit on their knees and caress and hug them to my heart's
content. They took it phlegmatically; it apparently gave them no
surprise. One of the men used to return my squeezes and caresses
and once allowed me to put my hand under his shirt, but there
were no further liberties.
"It was not until I was nearly 15 that the event happened which
made me, for the first time, restless in my enforced solitude. I
was verging on puberty, and perhaps in the hope that I should
find my own development met by a corresponding warmth I again
came into intimate relations with the companion whose frigid
performances had caused me weariness and disgust. He was now a
man, having reached majority. He put me into his bed while he
undressed himself and came toward me in perfect nudity. In a
moment we were in each other's arms and the deliciousness of that
moment intoxicated me. Suddenly, lying on the bed, I felt
attacked, as I thought, by an imperative need to make water.


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