It made little difference that my companion
had now discovered the act of masturbation; it had no meaning to
me, since it led to no warmth of embrace. His method was to avert
himself from me; I had to fawn upon him from the rear and also to
invent indecent stories to stimulate his imagination. I felt
myself a despised instrument, the mere spectator of an act which,
if directed toward me with any warmth, would have aroused the
liveliest appetite. At this time, as I have since seen, my
companion was gaining knowledge from the ancient classics. For a
time some charm was imparted by his instructing me to adopt a
superincumbent face-to-face embrace. The beginning of his puberty
was enormously attractive to me; had he been less cold-blooded I
could have responded passionately to his endearments; but he
always insisted on rigorous passivity on my part, and he
explained nothing. One day, by a small gratuity, he induced me to
offer him my mouth, though I still had no comprehension of the
result I was helping to attain. Once the orgasm occurred, and the
effect was extremely nauseous; after that he was more careful.
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