But his
neurasthenia increased; he suffered from insomnia, obscure
cerebral discomfort, stammering, chronic conjunctivitis,
inability to concentrate his attention, and dejection. Meanwhile
his homosexual emotions strengthened, and assumed a more sensual
character. He abstained from indulging them, as also from
onanism, but he was often forced, with shame and reluctance, to
frequent places--baths, urinaries, and so forth--where there were
opportunities of seeing naked men.
Having no passion for women, it was easy to avoid them. Yet they
inspired him with no exact horror. He used to dream of finding an
exit from his painful situation by cohabitation with some coarse,
boyish girl of the people; but his dread of syphilis stood in the
way. He felt, however, that he must conquer himself by efforts of
will, and by a persistent direction of his thoughts to
heterosexual images. He sought the society of distinguished
women. Once he coaxed up a romantic affection for a young girl of
15, which came to nothing, probably because the girl felt the
want of absolute passion in his wooing.
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