I know now by experience of self and others
that my disposition is congenital and that I have been rendered
unhappy myself and a cause of unhappiness to others by the too
late knowledge of myself. The example of my former friend who
married misled me to think I too _could_ marry and make a happy
home; so that when the man I loved advised me I resolved to do
so, as I would have done almost anything else _he_ suggested. If
I could have withdrawn from the engagement without embarrassment
to the devoted woman who became my wife I would have done so, if
she gave me the opportunity. Nothing in my married state has
brought me pleasure and I often wish my wife would cease to love
me so that we might separate. But she would be heart-broken at
the suggestion and I feel driven to attempt to relieve my
feelings even in a way that has previously seemed repulsive to
me,--I mean by use of money.
"About my feelings toward my child there is not much to say, as
they are not very strong. I believe I carry him and help bathe
and attend to him as much as most fathers, and when he is a few
years older I hope I may find him very companionable.
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