I had always disliked conversation that might
be regarded as bordering on the obscene, and consequently was
very ignorant on most matters; it pained me even to hear him
laugh at such remarks. I think if he had been intimate with me I
should have not conversed much on such topics, but now I felt
pleasure in such things with him as they expressed intimacy. I
dreamed about him and was never really happy in his absence; the
greatest joy would have been to have slept in his arms; the
hairiness of his legs and arms were also most fascinating.
Perhaps a year later, we were again at night together, and this
time I by degrees felt his private organs, but he was cold and I
felt a little unsatisfied. I wanted to be hugged. This happened
once more, and then on a later occasion,--not that it afforded me
much gratification, but because I wanted to stimulate him to
ardor,--I attempted masturbation. This aroused his disgust and I
was consequently dismayed. He told me I ought to marry and,
although I knew his love was all I wanted, I did not feel but
what I could make a woman happy.
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