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What I saw
the first summer killed all the respect I had for elderly people.
I had always connected marriage and gray hairs with virtue and
morals; then I learnt otherwise. I must say I became about this
time a _sensual pig_. I knew how dangerous these places were on
account of the police and blackmailers, but that gave the hunt a
double zest. At this time I led a double life and was always
watching and analyzing myself. I had to do with heaps of men of
all classes. I was often offered money, but that I would on no
condition accept. To pay or to be paid kills every sort of erotic
feeling in me and always has done so. I once wished to experiment
with myself. I was offered a small sum of money by a former
schoolmaster. I accepted this just to see how it would affect me.
The next moment I threw the money as far away as possible. Then I
saw I had none of the prostitute nature in me. I was simply
overwhelmed with sensuality. I considered I was a criminal and
wished to see in how many ways my nature had the criminal
instinct.


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