The moral
difficulties of circumstances are so strong that I have little
hope of ever gratifying my passion fully. I have found myself
deceived in the character of the boy twice. The last friendship
lasted three years, during which time I only saw him naked two or
three times (this caused erection), never touched him pruriently,
and only kissed him once.
"I have never found a satisfactory object of my affections, and
my happiness, perhaps my health, have been seriously injured. At
my public school a master helped me to a truer understanding of
these things. The merely animal sodomy which exists in many
public schools was unknown. What I learned of sex I learned for
myself. I am recommended to turn my aspirations to the abstract
universal maid; but so far at least I cannot do it.
"Male Greek statuary and the _Phoedrus_ of Plato have had a
great, though only confirmatory, influence on my feelings. My
ideal is that of Theocritus XIII, wherein Hercules was bringing
Hylas to the perfect measure of a man. My first thought is the
good of my friend, but, except for the good subjective influence
of passion, I have failed utterly.
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