"At 12 I learned masturbation, apparently by instinct, and, I
regret to say, practised it to excess for the next seven years,
always secretly and with shame, and often with the accompaniment
of prurient imaginings which did not prevent my relations with
those I loved being of a very spiritual nature. Masturbation was
often practised daily, with bursts of repentance and abstinence,
latterly more rarely. But until I was 15 I really knew nothing of
sexual matters, and it was not till I was at least 17 that I was
conscious of sexual desire, which I repressed with shame.
"Owing to excessive self-abuse, I am unable to emit except
manually, but desire is strong. I think naked contact would
suffice, and in any case intercrural connection. _Pedicatio_ and
_fellatio_ I abhor. I love boys between the ages of 12 and 15;
they must be of my own class, refined, and lovable. I only desire
the active masculine part. I now regard my inclinations as
natural and normal to me. The difficulty is that of leading the
other party to regard it as such, besides the young age required
and clandestine nature of proceedings necessary.
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