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Ellis, Havelock, 1859-1939

"Sexual Inversion"

Often when walking together after
night-fall we would put our arms about each other. Sometimes,
too, when sleeping together we would lie in close contact, and my
friend once suggested that I put my legs against his. He
frequently begged me to spend the night with him; but I began to
fear my feelings, and slept with him but seldom. We neither of us
had any definite ideas about homosexual relations, and, apart
from what I have related above, we had no further contact with
each other. A few months after our amorous feelings had developed
my friend died. His death caused me great distress, and my
naturally religious temperament began to manifest itself quite
strongly. At this time, too, I first read some writings of Mr.
Addington Symonds, and certain allusions in his work, coupled
with my recent experience, soon stirred me to a full
consciousness of my inverted nature.
"About eight months after my friend's death I happened to meet in
a strange town a youth of about my own age who exerted upon me a
strong and instant attraction.


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