I longed to see them naked,
without their tights, and used to lie awake at night thinking of
them and longing to be loved and embraced by them. A certain
bareback rider, a sort of jockey, used especially to please me on
account of his handsome legs, which were clothed in fleshlings up
to his waist, leaving his beautiful loins uncovered by a
breech-clout. There was nothing consciously sensual about these
reveries, because at the time I had no sensual feelings or
knowledge. Curiously enough, the women-actors repelled me then
(as they do to this day) quite as strongly as I was attracted by
the men.
"I used, also, to take great pleasure in watching men and boys in
swimming, but my opportunities for seeing them thus were
extremely rare. I never dared let my comrades know how I felt
about these matters, but the sight of a well-formed, naked youth
or man would fill me (and does now) with mingled feelings of
bashfulness, anguish, and delight. I used to tell myself endless
stories of a visionary castle inhabited by beautiful boys, one of
whom was especially my dear chum.
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