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My own sexual
nature was a mystery to me. I found myself cut off from the
understanding of others, felt myself an outcast, and, with a
highly loving and clinging temperament, was intensely miserable.
I thought about my male friends--sometimes boys of my own age,
sometimes elder boys, and once even a master--during the day and
dreamed about them at night, but was too convinced that I was a
hopeless monstrosity ever to make any effectual advances. Later
on it was much the same, but gradually, though slowly, I came to
find that there were others like myself. I made a few special
friends, and at last it came to me occasionally to sleep with
them and to satisfy my imperious need by mutual embraces and
emissions. Before this happened, however, I was once or twice on
the brink of despair and madness with repressed passion and
torment.
"Meanwhile, from the first, my feeling, physically, toward the
female sex was one of indifference, and later on, with the more
special development of sex desires, one of positive repulsion.


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