Certainly these memories are, in my mind,
in no way set apart from the recollections of other kinds of
play. Next to that I remember the usual schoolboy talk about
things hidden and forbidden, but up till I was 12 or so this was
simply dirty talk, concerned more with renal and intestinal
functions than with any sexual feelings or understanding. One boy
was known to us all (and of my not inconsiderable circle of early
friends, all grew up to be normal people, who married and had
children in due course) for the unusual size of his parts and for
the freedom with which he invited and satisfied the curiosity of
his friends. He must have been precocious, for he could not have
been more than 12, and I remember to have heard that he had a
thick growth of pubic hair. Even then, although I know that my
curiosity--to put it at that only--was active, I never allowed
myself to have any dealings with him; and I think I should have
discouraged them had they been suggested to me. That is the odd
thing about my life: the things I longed intensely to do I would
not let myself do, not from any religious or moral scruple, but
from some inexplicable fastidiousness or scrupulosity which is
yet as active as ever, although I am sure that it would not be
able to hold its own could these favorable conditions be
repeated, but would be overcome by the imperious and fully grown
desires which, by long repression, or by unsatisfactory
diversion, have grown to be so strong.
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