In imagination, I possessed the
female organ, and felt toward man exactly as an amorous female
would. At the time when I became fully conscious of my condition,
I attached little importance to it; I had not a notion of its
terrible import, nor of the future misery it would entail. All
that I had to learn by bitter experience.
"I did once think of forcing myself to have connection with a
prostitute in order to see whether the actual sensual enjoyment
might bring a change, and so have the power to marry. But when it
came to thinking over ways and means, my repugnance to the act
became so strong that it was quite out of the question. In the
case of any male to whom I became attached, I wanted to feel
ourselves together, skin to skin, and to be privileged to take
such liberties as an amorous female would take if that were all
permitted. I sought no purely sensual gratification of any kind;
my love was far too genuine for that.
"During the rather more than half a century which has elapsed
since my twelfth birthday, I have been genuinely in love about
thirteen times.
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