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Twain, Mark, 1835-1910

"Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven"

And there was such a marvellous
world spread out before me--such a glowing, beautiful, bewitching
country. The things I took for furnaces were gates, miles high,
made all of flashing jewels, and they pierced a wall of solid gold
that you couldn't see the top of, nor yet the end of, in either
direction. I was pointed straight for one of these gates, and a-
coming like a house afire. Now I noticed that the skies were black
with millions of people, pointed for those gates. What a roar they
made, rushing through the air! The ground was as thick as ants
with people, too--billions of them, I judge.
I lit. I drifted up to a gate with a swarm of people, and when it
was my turn the head clerk says, in a business-like way--
"Well, quick! Where are you from?"
"San Francisco," says I.
"San Fran--WHAT?" says he.
"San Francisco."
He scratched his head and looked puzzled, then he says--
"Is it a planet?"
By George, Peters, think of it! "PLANET?" says I; "it's a city.
And moreover, it's one of the biggest and finest and--"
"There, there!" says he, "no time here for conversation. We don't
deal in cities here. Where are you from in a GENERAL way?"
"Oh," I says, "I beg your pardon. Put me down for California."
I had him AGAIN, Peters! He puzzled a second, then he says, sharp
and irritable--
"I don't know any such planet--is it a constellation?"
"Oh, my goodness!" says I.


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