I lay back on the sofa and
kicked the cushions with my feet in a kind of forlorn anger. Thought
was no use, nothing was any use, and my stomach was sick, sick with
fear. And suddenly I became aware of an immense fatigue that
overwhelmed my mind and my body, and made me feel as helpless as a
little child. The tears that were always near my eyes streamed down
my face, making my cheek sore against the wet cushion, and my breath
came in painful, ridiculous gulps. For a moment I made an effort to
control my grief; and then I gave way utterly, crying with my whole
body like a little child, until, like a little child, I fell asleep.
When I awoke the room was grey with dusk, and I sat up with a
swaying head, glad to hide the shame of my foolish swollen face
amongst the shadows. My mouth was still salt with tears, and I was
very thirsty, but I was always anxious to hide my weakness from
other people, and I was afraid that if I asked for something to
drink they would see that I had been crying. The fire had gone out
while I slept, and I felt cold and stiff, but my abandonment of
restraint had relieved me, and my fear was now no more than a vague
unrest. My mind thought slowly but very clearly. I saw that it was a
pity that I had not been more ill than I was, for then, like my
brother, I should have gone away for a month instead of a fortnight.
As it was, everybody laughed at me because I looked so well, and
said they did not believe that I had been ill at all.
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